No Longer Letting Life Pass Me Bi

It’s been the best of time, it’s the worst of times. Dickens couldn’t have summed my life up any better. This is the tale of two lifestyles, if you dare. A roller coaster ride it’s truly been. Ive always been one to follow my heart and my feelings and lately I feel I’ve been call to do what it is I’m doing now. Coming out.

I’ve constantly pushed my friends and strangers who read my writings and social network posts to live truthfully, honestly, authentically, and with love and compassion and I feel the world needs a little bit more authenticity. I need it from myself. So this is me practicing what I preach. Hopefully the few pages of this post inspires someone to live a more authentic life as well, or at least not want to kill themselves for being different.

This moment has been 11 years in the making. Five of those years spent trying to gain an understanding of who I really was, and the other six spent growing into it. Now that I am 25 years old, I feel I have learned enough to finally express what had initially plagued me my entire adult life, but would turn out to be nothing more than a tremendous blessing.

I’ve been a lot of things and done a lot of things in my life. Brother, son, student, athlete, fraternity boy, writer, comedian, actor, and dare I say, I’ve done these things while remaining quite handsomely charming and humble. Almost all of them make me extremely proud of who I am and what I have become. But most of my teen and adult life there was one thing that I wasn’t so proud of. In fact I spent many years painfully ashamed of it. That thing being the fact that I am bisexual.

From the time I began to develop a sexuality up until the age of about 20, my life felt like oil in a world made of water. The two don’t mix very well if at all. Couple that with the fact that the religion I was brought up in wasn’t very gay friendly, I felt like a prisoner in my own body. I felt like God had made a mistake. Because I knew I had not chosen the things I felt on the inside. I had always been attracted to girls but around the age of 14 I noticed things I had never felt before. I noticed that I was also attracted to other boys. I can say that now but at the time I didn’t really understand what it was. Being that homosexuality isn’t openly discussed in the black family home as easily as other communities and when it is, it’s not usually in a good way.

Being a young teen I was deathly afraid to mention my feelings to anyone, given the fact I was the basketball player who spent most of his time around other boys all the time. I didn’t want to make anyone uncomfortable nor did I want to face the possible rejection and ridicule that would come along with thinking you might be anything other than straight. I knew I couldn’t be gay because I knew I was attracted to girls sexually but I knew there was more to me than I could understand at the time.

For many years I lived in an internal hell, because I believed that’s where I would end up for feeling the way I felt. I tried suppressing my feelings or pretending they weren’t real or weren’t there and maybe I could pray them away. 10 years later, not the case. The first adult I ever confided in about my feelings was a pastor at a church retreat I went to when I was 19 and I remember him telling me that I wasn’t gay or bisexual, but that it was because my father wasn’t in my life and it caused me to seek his love from other men. Not surprising that would be his response since he himself is a “reformed” gay who was cured by God. Well that made me feel good for about a week but I knew it wasn’t true. It was actually complete bull. But at 19 you don’t know that yet.

As I got older leading up toward college I became more fearful because I just wanted the feelings to go away so God would love me. Needless to say they didn’t. For the first two years of college I was at mental warfare with myself, to the point where it drove me away from church and God. I couldn’t imagine how God would make me this way and then reject me. I couldn’t listen to preachers tell me I was going to hell any longer for something I couldn’t control. Finally, around the time of my 20th birthday I said that I would no longer go against the grain of who I felt I was (at least internally and privately) because it was killing me inside. I finally accepted me for me. And for the first time in a long time I felt good. I felt really good. I had reached a point where I felt if God didn’t need me I didn’t need God (At the time…Me and God are cool now).

My freshman year of college I met one half of my best friends, a beautiful girl by the name of Sacha. I didn’t know she was gay when I met her, I was just a college basketball player who wanted to be friends with hot girls. Though I waited until I graduated college to tell her I wish I hadn’t. It probably would have helped me a lot. She has been nothing but instrumental in the maintenance of my sanity for the past four years of our eight year friendship. I also met my second best friend Rosa through her as well and they have been nothing short of angels from heaven in my life.

After spending so many years in spiritual turmoil, even spending some time not believing in a God at all, I saw Michael Beckwith on Oprah. He was talking about God in a way I had never heard before. The God he talked about loved me. It was as if everything he was saying was being downloaded into my soul and my spirit had begun to awaken again. I found my way into a place that was more conducive to my spiritual growth.

I was still a little skeptical because in my 23 years of life to that point, I had never heard anyone talk about God, love, and homosexuality in the same sentence without mentioning hell or repentance. I had to know where he spoke or taught and Sacha had been going there for a while and took me to Agape. This was nothing short of divine intervention, the true nature of what “God” really is, calling me to where I belonged.

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About Travon Free

Stand-up comedian, actor, and writer. Ivy League brains with none of the student loan debt. This is the home of my opinion. Everything I love. Everything I Hate. This blog is about TRUTH and INSPIRATION. I hope you packed your sense of humor...
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31 Responses to No Longer Letting Life Pass Me Bi

  1. Pingback: Cal State—Long Beach Center Travon Free On Coming Out In College Sports | News Talk One

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  3. mikenopolis says:

    I first saw you at the Irvine improv when you opened for Russell Peters. Loved your jokes and delivery, followed you on FB and twitter, watched all the gentlemans rant. If my future child seems to have any doubts or confusion about their sexuality I would definitely direct them to your post. As a straight man I will never truly understand what the bullying is like. But if it’s anything like being the only Asian kid in the white suburbs and elementary school then I have personal experience in that type of physical and emotional pain. Kids are cruel and the adult who are racist and homophobic… are nothing but big kids who never learned common sense, decency, and respect for a fellow human being.

    I’m an “odd” guy because I don’t do many of things that are associated with masculinity. I don’t care for sports, none at all. I was the captian of my high school swim team and played h2o polo (two of the “gayest” sports according to my peers). I love to cook, I do most of the cleaning at the house. I’m a borderline OCD clean/neat freak who need our house to be presentable at all times. I love all animals because they are fluffy and cute and I like to do arts and crafts type things. AND I knit. If I let everyone in my life see this I know I would be “labeled”. One’s sexuality should never be question, one, because it’s rude. And two, because it doesn’t define the person you are.

  4. Hey!
    I literally sat here for an hour or so trying to put in words how mind blowing (in a good way) reading this was. But I suck at writing.

    So yeah, thanks for writing this. You’re badass (I refer to the first definition on Urban Dictionary), a wonderful person. You’re like a hero, an LGBT-rights hero or something. You woke up something pretty inside me, thank you. Oh, boy, I might do it. I don’t think that my dad is EVER going to be able to eat in the same table with my husband lol, but the hell with it I’m still going to do it.

    Also, I first saw you on “The Gentlemen’s Rant” video. You’re hillarious.

    PS: From the very first time I saw you on the net, I KNEW you were gay/bi. My Gaydar Identification Success Ratio still stands at 100%, YES!!! VAMOSSS!!!

    Best wishes from Mexico to your loved one, your family, your dog, the postman, etc.

    EL PERRO DE ANDALUCÍA

  5. Bravo buddy. Merry Christmas!

  6. Pingback: An Open Letter To People Who Hate Gay People | FREEdom Of Speech

  7. Coolcurt says:

    You are completely one of the most brilliant men to walk this face of the earth. I was touched, tickled and moved by your words. I have to be 100% honest (like you want everyone to be), I’m gay (no homo….hehehehehhehehe) and most of my experiences with bisexual men have been so up and down and here and there. I usually fall for the unavailable guys no matter what (it’s my curse and my blessing all wrapped tight like a human burrito) and the bisexual men, that I would be blessed to be involved with and cursed as well, would usually head that list up.
    It wasn’t like I didn’t know who I was getting involved with from the beginning but I always figured that somewhere down the road, I would be enough for them (sexually, emotionally and spiritually to satisfy whatever they felt they were in need of). Usually I would end up with a bad taste in my mouth (no punt intended) with the whole ordeal. I have to say that if someone would roll up on me and say that they were bisexual, it was an instant turn off, until now.
    Travon, you are fine as H. E. double hockey sticks and your a tall drink of water (Good Lawd) but you have that smile and those dimples, to just set it all off but I think it’s your honest eyes.
    Now I’m not trying to push up on you (no homo) but I do want to tell you, that this might be the first time in my 38 years (Demi moore-type here, hey ) that I actually would consider dating a bisexual man and all thanks to you.
    You somehow explained bisexuality without mentioning a word about it or sex for that matter.
    I have never been a fan of bisexuals because most of the guys that I would be involved with were greedy and jumped from fence to fence. They were basically able to have sex with men or me for that matter, strictly for the convenience. It got so bad that it became the same ordeal for the women they were involved with too.
    I can’t speak for them but I was tired of being lead down this road, that would normally lead no where. They had their cake and were able to eat too (which I never understood that saying). How I got more insight was how you covered all bases and explained somethings without saying too much or saying anything at all. You never gave too much detail about your sex life but you somehow talked about being sexually attracted to men and women.
    I thought that was smart, fair and I could handle that in a partner but to actually tell me that you are for an excuse to go out and sell your wild oats is something else. You were able to give both men and women some kind of hope and ideal of what you were looking for.
    I would meet these guys and they would brag about being bisexual, for the sake of being able to sleep with both and I thought it was cruel and downright disrespectful. Of course, I win the BIG DUMMY OF THE YEAR AWARD because I would put up with it and it became like a Groundhog’s Day ordeal with me.
    I have no judgment when it comes down to bisexual men or women but I do carry a great deal of hurt behind what I’m saying.
    Mr. Free, I don’t find you to be cocky (no punt intended, hehheheheheheheh) but being this giant of man that you are, you have every right to be and your not, which is refreshing. I know you can handle yourself if you had to but you seem like the kind of person to chose the high road on any giving day.
    I don’t find you to be arrogant in any way and I don’t know you personally but your words gave me such an insight to your life. Once again, I have this feeling that you could probably rip phonebooks in half or fight for the UFC if you really wanted to but I think your gentle and kind and those are such beautiful qualities to be blessed with and to possess.
    Hell, you even talked about butterflies and I was just amazed that you were that in touched with your spirit/soul.
    I know you have been blessed on ever endeavor that you have put in front of you and your career has already flourished but your going to be surprised just how much more your going to be able to maneuver and grow on a global level because you have talked about and touched on some serious so-called taboo issues and did it with such class and refinement.
    I wished you all the blessings and success in the world, you are completely blessed and loved like you wouldn’t believe.
    Your new fan Curtis

    • Travon Free says:

      Curtis, after reading your comment I’m for the most part lost for words. I cant tell you how deeply i not only appreciate you taking the time to read my post but to write such an amazing comment, I am deeply grateful. I wish you much peace and many blessings in your life as well and your words have done more for myself and my journey than I will ever be able to express to you. Thank you a million times, you have truly made my evening and I’m now going to bed in a refreshing state of blissful euphoria. God bless you and thank you for being a fan.

      • Coolcurt says:

        You know I was completely losing my mind when you wrote a reply back. You have to imagine me screaming and throwing my imaginary wig off.
        However Travon, I was so bitter (as you can see and tell) about my own experiences and needed to get some of that funk off me and get some things off my chest. I did it in a way, that I didn’t even get a chance to tell you, that your quotes were amazing. I was totally blown away by your personal stories with your family and friends that you never crossed any lines or went on some mission to make people feel bad but you were just doing personal inventory and really knocked it out the park. I have to tell you that I would have been completely uncomfortable discussing but you were completely honest and real. It was just incredible how everything was woven so smartly (if that is a word), candid without overdoing it and neatly. I’m so going to pick up a copy of your book.
        You are just an inspiring force on this planet and I’m so glad that I would go to Afterelton.com (my second favorite site ) and they were singing your praises in a small but good way. I think you should be the cover guy (hubba, hubba) for The Advocate or some highly influential magazine or show because like I said you have to spread your message of kindness and love. I don’t know who is managing you but you have to go on some book tour and just some tour to make the word familar with you. You might be the next Dalia Lama with your insight because it was just beautiful.
        I saw a tiny post about you and I instantly jumped on the Travon bandwagon because I want to live FREELY (HEHHEHEHEHE).
        I’m not going to add any more comments to this post, it’s my last time on this topic because as you can see I’m so yesterday, all the time and I do nothing small. I’m trying to be hip to this internet thing but it’s tough because I’m not able to keep up with The Jones like that. It was incredible meeting you and your blog is my new favorite site.
        Maybe a tad bit, I’m pushing up on you (heheheheheeh) but it’s all out of good fun for me but I know there are stalking laws (smile), so I’m going to try to cool it a bit but can you blame a guy. You might have replaced Mr. Beckham (David) on my list of men I want to at least meet or steal their drawers before I throw in the towel or kick the bucket. One day all of us are going to go but I want to live FREELY (HEHEHHEEH) while I’m alive and present in my life.
        Travon, your on my bucket list, scary but true. (listen for the scary music playing in the background, hehehehehee).
        Whenever you want to hit a guy up and holla’ at your OLD HEAD (ME), please feel free too. I’m always around.

        • Travon Free says:

          I cant tell you how much I laughed reading this, very funny stuff. Also much appreciated as well. I hope the rest of the world embraces me the same way, I plan to do much of what youve mentioned as far as spreading the message. I do have some ideas for a show im looking to pitch and if the advocate would have me i would love to be in their mag. All in all I’m very glad you’re a fan and that you’ll pick up my book, It’s full of great info in my opinion, being that i wrote it lol And to replace Mr. Beckham is quite an honor I must say seeing how all the world adores him and his abs lol. Thanks again for the love and support, it never goes unnoticed.

  8. Pingback: The Show Must Go On(A Lesson In Life) | FREEdom Of Speech

  9. JNez says:

    congrats on coming out and accepting yourself. how has your family reacted to your coming out?

    • Travon Free says:

      they took it well for the most part, there were many differences of opinions but i think for the most part most of them love me for me but arent necessarily accepting of who i am. Its been interesting but Im happy with the process and the end result

  10. leina says:

    this is so sad what a waste I can see in your eyes when you smile you are ..sir, you are gay not bi ..no such thing as bi mr intellectual

    • Travon Free says:

      thanks for the comment, but to say there’s no such thing as bi is a very ignorant thing to say, denouncing an entire group of people. Also, my entire life along with millions of others would beg to differ. Saying theres no such thing as bi people is no different than religious people who believe theres no such thing as gay people and that theyre just sick or lost or whatever other reason they choose. However, we’re all entitled to our opinions and i will continue to live my bi life ;-)

  11. Pingback: Former CSULB Basketball Player Travon Free Comes Out as Bisexual - Wide Rights

  12. Pete Olsen says:

    From a CSULB alum, thanks so much for your courage, especially as there are so few athletes who have done this. I hope that sharing this part of your life relieves the stress of living in the closet. And while you may not consider yourself one, you’re now a role model for so many youth.

    Also, thank you for strongly and proudly representing the B of GLBT since it far too often gets marginalized by the ends of the spectrum, gay and straight.

    -Pete

  13. v says:

    JUST WANTED TO SAY THAT I AM VERY PROUD OF YOU AND THAT WE NEED MORE BLACK MEN LIKE YOU!!!!!

    P.S YOUR VERY VERY HANDSOME:)

  14. Flexuality says:

    I’m sure your coming out will be an inspiration and a relief for many college students and others. Your essay is not only thoughtful but beautifully written.

  15. Pingback: Comedian, Travon Free « Flexuality

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  18. Tiare says:

    This is truly an amazing piece. I know many people who have struggled, or still struggle with the exact same thing. I hope that you are free of the burden of not feeling like you are able to express your true feelings and that you truly know that God does love you, no matter what. He made you the way you are. I have always been torn on what the “Christian” or “Godly” way is suppose to be, feeling like too many man made rules and garbage is added in there. However, I do know this, God made us all. So He made you the way you are and He loves you the way you are. Thank you for sharing and PLEASE keep your thoughts and art of expression, whether in comedy, writing, acting WHATEVER, coming. I appreciate it and I know many others do too!!! :)

  19. Victoria Perez says:

    Tray,
    Your words were very moving and prolific as I read them. So happy you have found a way to be yourself completely and in that a way to be completely FREE. God IS love, I love you and thats all that matters. The End. :)

  20. Big Kate says:

    thank you for the post. Now as a dyke I must congratulate you on coming out as bi hopefully you will be able to admit to yourself that your really gay : p . Sorry had to to say it because, as you know, it’s so much garbage by insecure gay people. Gay people can be just as insecure about bisexuality as some Christians can be about gay people. Personally I strongly suspect your wrong about the levels of bisexuality in human population. i generally say that 10% of people are homosexual, 10% are heterosexual and everybody else is somewhere in between but a lot are acting either as straight or gay. I say I’m a dyke because everytime i tried to have sex with a bloke it’s been well I rather have a cup of tea, but who knows what the future holds.

    I hope you get to go to a BiCon sometime they happen in the US, the UK, Netherlands, and increasingly across Europe and around the planet. BiCon’s are great because you can be there, be yourself and talk about how the rest of your life intersects with this aspect of who you are. they are open to anyone no matter their sexuality which is why I been going for quite a few years

    I have no idea if you have come across tom robinson in your travels but he was the first rock star to come out as gay, he was then roundly castigated by the gay community for having gone ‘straight’ by coming out as bi. He has a great song about it called “sing if your glad to be gay” http://gladtobegay.net/

    best wishes and hope you have a wonderful life

    Big Kate

    • Travon Free says:

      Thank you very much Kate, I appreciate your comments. I also can proudly say there is not shame in being gay, however I can also say with absolute certainty that I am indeed bisexual. I don’t like to defend my sexuality to gay people who stigmatize all bi people as either fake gays or people in transition to being just gay, not saying that’s you. But I have had very fulfilling relationships with women and many more of them than with men. I love men and women and there’s nothing I or anyone else can do about it lol. Coincidently, the person I’m with now is will probably be the last and because he is a he, many will assume I am “gay” but I challenge any woman to take me up on that…kidding lol.

      I would love to attend BiCon, it sounds like something that would be a lot of fun. I’m always looking for a reason to visit the UK anyways. But thank you again for your love and support and I will continue to fight for the Bi community because some of us are already home where we are, that being bisexual.

  21. Dan Weisman says:

    Proud to be your friend and fan Tra. I attended an Agape Sunday a couple of times. ..back in not sure…98?…. anyway, The Rciki Byers lead 100 person choir is OFF THE CHARTS great. My daughter brought me to a service or two. One Sunday Mr. Beckwith gave a very moving sermon. At the conclusion I just walked up to him and extending my hand said: “I just wanted to shake your hand and say Thank You!” Great love poured from his face. It was a very fine moment. Your smile is a beautiful instrument which radiates the great love and gentleness in your soul Travon. Please Keep sharing THAT!
    I am so glad to know you are part OF this world…not a part FROM this world.
    Love and Aloha from Maui. Dan

  22. Yeah man! Glad you can live up to your last name! You got much love for ya man. From all over. You aren’t alone. Be Easy. That was the hard part.

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